News Tabloids

[BertramStantrous]

Alright, here is a new feature to the NPO forums. You can post humorous articles here, as long as they pertain somewhat to NationStates. Other than that, it's up to you.

Note from admin:

Please put all reponses to, criticisms of, and praise for Tabloid stories in this thread so as not to clutter up this one. Off-topic posts to this thread will be relocated or deleted.[/size]

(Image host changed on 5/6/04)

[BertramStantrous]

THEDOC ARRESTED FOR LOITERING IN NATIONSTATES

Thedoc (above) sitting in his cell, awaiting yet another forced sexual encounter with his cell mate, Frederico (not pictured).

Pacific Army, NationStates: After failing to do anything for over a month, Thedoc was "dishonorably discharged" from NationStates the other day, and is now serving a life sentence in Limbo State Prison.
"He was so lazy and inactive... I knew his country would die the way it had lived: doing absolutely nothing." said Francos Spain, wiping a tear from his eye.
Thedoc plans to spend the rest of his days eating jail food and being raped by his cell mate, a large hispanic man named "Frederico."

[BertramStantrous]

SAVAGE LANDS EXECUTED FOR SUBVERSION

The Savage Lands (right) moments before his execution at the hands of the Moderators (left).

Pacific Army, NationStates: After being reported for "griefing," an act of subversion, Savage Lands was executed last Friday by the Moderators.
According to sources, Mr. Lands was grabbed by two large men while exiting "The Elongated Shaft," a gay bar which he frequented.
Lands was then shoved into the street, and then made to turn away from the Moderators, who then pulled out a .44 Revolver and put a bullet in Savage's skull. His body was then thrown into the river, along with his entire assortment of sex toys.
"Griefing will not be tolerated by anyone, not even an important, well to do homosexual like Mr. Lands." said one of the moderators, who wished to remain anonymous.

[Black Adder]

OMG....I don't know whether to laugh or recoil in horror. I'm not one to tolerate gay bashing but the whole spirit of the caricatures is bloody hilarious.....

[BertramStantrous]

Yeah, I am being mean to gays by associating them with Savage, I suppose.

[Tar A]

Wow... that is so mean... but...

*collapses in laughter*

[Abysseria]

Tar said:

Wow... that is so mean... but...

*collapses in laughter*

seconds that!

[Sir Paul]

45 NATIONS EXILED FROM THE PACIFIC IN FAILED COUP

Irisian (right) and Jennivier (left) await deportation from the Pacific to the third world region of Rejected Relms

The Pacific, NationStates: In another instance of illegal immigrants attempting to take over the Pacific, the Pacific Immigration Control, headed by Poskrebyshev and Mammothistan, rounded up the dissidents. One of the deportees was quoted as saying, “After we went through the tunnel and swam the river, La Migra found us, and put us en this big cage thing. We thought we were vato locos, but it’s just plain loco to sneak into the Pacific.” Before the banishment was complete, each nation was beaten, humiliated, given hope, and then thrust down into the depths of depression. After this incident, the number of nations immigrating legally into the Pacific rose sharply. Whether these nations will assimilate into the Pacifican culture or retain their culture of subversion and anarchy is remained to be seen.

[Francos Spain]

CORINTHE GOES MISSING!


The most recent photo of NationState's favorite toddler, Corinthe

Early this morning, the parents of the young nation of Corinthe notified authorities that their daughter had gone missing. "Well, I went to her playpen to check on her, and she wasn't there," Corinthe's mother was quoted as saying. When asked where she thought Corinthe might be, she replied, "I dunno. She probably wandered off into traffic again. Or maybe she was kidnapped. I'm not really one to look a gift horse in the mouth."

The parents are requesting that anyone with knowledge on Corinthe's whereabouts "keep their damn mouths shut."

[Piophilia]

FRANCOS SPAIN TO SURF ON THE BACKS OF THE OPPRESSED MASSES

Pictured Above: The brutal Emporer of the Pacific Francos Spain as he rebounds off a rising wave of pain and rebellion

FRANCOPOLIS, NPO: Following a resounding outcry against the questionable ruling ethics of our region's Emporer and Chief, Francos Spain has decided to go through with his decision to surf on the hunched over, oppressed shoulders of the most lowly of his political dissenters.

"Its all in good fun," stated the overjoyed UN Delegate after purchasing a top of the line Surf-Meister 6000 at "Boards and More" in downtown Francopolis.
"Sometimes, I just get so caught up in politics, that I forget about the oppression... I'd be letting down the more easily mullified subjects of my glorious rule if I didn't demean them and their values on a regular basis!"

Following this statement, Emperor Spain was seen chugging on a bottle of Schlitz and holding his thumb, index and pinkey fingers of his right and left hands up in a brash display of the universal "rock on" symbol.

[Francos Spain]

GETTERSBURG LEARNS TO READ


Gettersburg (left) flipping through the pages of a picture book with her live-in caretaker Alphonse d'Bête (right).

After years of rigorous effort to get the slow-witted nation of Gettersburg to free herself from the fetters of illiteracy, great progress was made yesterday when Gettersburg, with the help of a tutor, read her first word: "poopy."

"The funny part is that the word was actually 'people,' but our Gettersburg pronounced it "poopy," said her instructer, Alphonse d'Bête. He continued, "It may only have been a coincidence since Gettersburg soiled herself just moments prior to the utterance, but this is nonetheless very encouraging progress for a retar----Er--- special person like Gettersburg."

[Sir Paul]

PACIFIC ARMY HOLDS HOOTENANNY IN CELEBRATION OF THE SAVAGE LAND'S RETURN

The Savage Lands (left) dances with Getterburg (right) to "Baby Got Back."

The Confederacy of South East America, NationStates: Beneath the stars and bars, the Pacific Army celebrated their triumph over Mod rule by resurrecting the Savage Lands from the dead. Now known as The Savage Land Reloaded, he and his accomplices worshiped their dark lord and his necromancy abilities. When asked to comment on such a flagrant violation of the spirit of the rules, El Sabah Nur commented, “I Like big butts and I can not lie, all you other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and that round thing in your face you get sprung! Cause baby got back!" Translated from Savagian, this can be interpreted as "I desire large posteriors and I can not tell untruths, all of you other African-American males are uncouth, for when a female walks by with a femur in her thigh, and her derrière in the air you get an erection, because this 18 to 24 year old African American female has an exceptional posterior."

The Mods, an appointed group of law enforcers that protect Nationstates, commented that while the original Savage Lands was destroyed because of “Crimes against Max(x) Berry,” they had to wait until the reincarnation violates the rules before he can be terminated again.

The party took place in the lavish barn of The Confederacy of South East America, where he reminded all present several times that the battle flag of the Confederate States of America was “heritage, not hate.” He then told the Free Land of Anti-RepublicanIdeas that he “had a pretty mouth” and “wanted to make him squeal like a piggy.”

The Pacific Army was in high spirits, and announced they would be reclaiming the Pacific soon. When asked how they would defeat the NPO, The Savage Lands Reloaded said “Only through a campaign of really annoying spam and multiple UN puppet nations will we be able to reclaim what is rightfully ours!” To increase security in the Pacific Army, El Sabah Nur notes in his world factbook entry that “I will be password protecting the PA every night!” Good thing too, otherwise all the undesirables will flood the Pacific Army and take over the delegacy, which could happen since there is no longer a founder to protect the interest of the Savage Lands.

(Image resized by Praetor)

[Piophilia]

NEW PACIFIC ORDER TO SPONSER NEW BREAKFAST CEREAL


In an ingenious effort to boost support for the Pacific government, our delegate Francos Spain himself has commissioned the first in what is hoped to be a large, successful series of NPO-related breakfast cereals, with the first in this franchise being "Bitchy O's."

"I stayed up for hours trying to put just the right kind of special touch on this new cereal, as I wanted it to reflect the desires of many of my more critical citizens!"

Soon to be placed on a supermarket shelf near you, Bitchy-O's contain cereal pieces in the shape of your favorite Francos-naysayer: PCT! And for the kids, Bitchy-os also contains marshmalos in the shape of red-Gettersburgs, green-Megnomans, purple-Magunguses, and orange rocket ships.

According to our own Director of the Pacific Secret Police Bertram Stantrous, "This cereal shall prove to be a glorious boon to rightious flavor! Bow down and give praise to the magnanimous glory that is milk-soaked grain and sugar pieces!"

When asked about his future plans for his next line of delicious cereal, Emporer Spain was quoted as saying: "Among the other facets of the New Pacific Order, above all else, flavor must be upheld! It is in the interests of everybody that we, as a people, retain the right to enjoy the freedom granted to us by the power of breakfast cereals. We have no choice, as a region, but to freely consume cereal wherever, and whenever applicable. Oh yeah, and the next brand is certain to have a lot more chocolate."

[Sir Paul]

OKLAHOMA PREPARES FOR “PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE” AGAINST BERTRAM STANTROUS
www.aana.com/members/newsbulletin/2000_10/images/okiegov.gif[/img]
Govenor Brad Henry signing an executive order to enter into a "state of hostility" with Bertram Stantrous

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma: Governor Brad Henry issued executive order 1452 today, announcing a state of hostility with The Confederated Union of Bertram Stantrous. Governor Henry is expected to go before the legislator in one week to ask that they officially declare war. The legislator is in recess this week because they are at a family reunion, which, incidentally, 87% of the state is attending.

The rift in relations between Oklahoma and Bertram Stantrous arose over an ethical slur, which ignited the Okie pride. Bertram Stantrous then repeatedly slandered the great state of Oklahoma, until they left the governor no choice but to act.

“Oklahoma is NOT home to homa-sexuals! We got rid of them along with the Indians and sharecroppers,” Governor Henry remarked. “We are not a place of tolerance for alternative lifestyles.”

Attorney General Edmondson was also on hand to dispute the claims made by Bertram Stantrous; “Oklahoma has laws on the books that forbid oral sex and sodomy, therefore, Oklahoma does not suck. It has been illegal since 1889.”

The joint chiefs of staff were called in to prepare a “proportional response.” Lieutenant governor Mary Fallin suggested that “we beat them to a bloody pulp in a football game like we always do!” Unfortunately, after it was explained that the Sooners were in a different league than BSU, she reportedly yelled “fiddlesticks.”

Labor Commissioner Brenda Reneau Wynn recommended hiring the best “disers and playa haters” in the nation to focus their rage and snappy lyrics at Bertram Stantrous. “Our children have been corrupted by these ‘gangsta rappers’ for too long with out them giving back to society. I am calling on all rappers to put their pens to the page and do battle with Bertram Stantrous.

Eminem was one of the first to respond to the call. “America needs to strike back! It’s okay for me to dis O.K., but not for Bertram Stantrous.” He is currently writing a new single, titled Without BS, and it is expected to his stores in two weeks. When asked for a few lines of this momentous song, he indulged us with:

BS you can get stomped by all the rest,
You pompous little fag can blow me like the best
You don't know me, you're too old let go its over, nobody listens to you, you know?

If necessary, Governor Henry is planning an armed response. He is calling upon all rednecks to go to their arsenals, cashes, basements and underwear drawers and prepare incase an invasion is necessary to extract an apology for the slander against the great state of Oklahoma.

[BertramStantrous]

OKLAHOMA EXPLODES, SMITING MILLIONS OF WICKED HOMASEXUALS AND JEWS


Oklahoma, United States: The world breathed a sigh of relief today after it was annouced that Oklahoma mysteriously expolded for no apparent reason, killing it's entire population of homasexuals and Jews.
"No longer will we have to suffer under the burden of the wicked Sodomites, and their unnatural, WRONG ways." said Us President George W. Bush. "Oh, and apparently some Jews were killed, too. That's great, er, terrible. Terrible. Definitely terrible."
Said Israel leader Ariel Sharon, "It is tragic that so many Jews had to die on this day, but that's what they get for living in Oklahoma, with all those homa-sexuals."
Conservative Christian Jerry Falwell couldn't be reached for an interview, but he probably would have said something really bad about either Jews or the gay community, so it doesn't really matter.